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Thoughts

Instant Deja Vu Nostalgia

Hello. My name is not Emily, and I don’t remember creating this blog.

I don’t remember a lot of things. On Tuesday night I “woke up” in front of my computer, staring at a YouTube video of me from February 18th.

It looked like me. Sounded like me. But I don’t remember making it. I don’t know who Die Database are, or any of the people I mentioned as being new friends.

I do remember the start of the semester. I remember my new roommates, and I remember my room. It all starts to fade away around mid February, and there’s a big gap until now.

I didn’t even know the password to this blog, so I had to reset it.

I was tempted to just erase everything, since I don’t even know if I wrote it, but I’m leaving it up for now, as evidence.

I spent a full vacation day yesterday, reading over this blog, and all of the other blogs of my “friends”. It’s totally crazy – even the sane stuff is weird.

I looked around the apartment, and couldn’t find any Die Database artifacts. No songs in my iTunes. No “eyephones” – I’m not sure if that’s even supposed to be a joke or not.

I can’t find any emails or logs or anything connecting me to these other people, except for a few tweets that I can’t even verify as mine.

If I’m to believe what was written here over the past few months, my “Ghost” was kidnapped, and I’ve traveled through time and space as a pawn in some universal struggle.

What’s more, the last post said that I was now “etched”, with some special marks on me that would give me superpowers. I can’t see any marks like that, anywhere. And I still have a hard time lifting my bike over my shoulder, so I can take it downstairs.

The only thing that seems remotely true is that in this crazy story, I came back from the future, and decided to erase my memories. It was supposed to be a removal of some “hidden 6 months” that I experienced between now and the end of the world. That was in the last post, written right before I woke up in front of my computer, not remembering a thing.

The weird thing is that I can remember some things, like what happened in my classes over the past few months. I can remember enough broad details that it’s not as if I just woke up as another person. It’s just that everything even remotely connected to this blog is gone.

I wanted to wait a few days, to make sure I just wasn’t super tired or anything. But the memories aren’t coming back, and I also have this weird always on deja vu thing. No matter where I go or what I do, my brain is convinced that I’ve done it before, just like that, at that very time.

It’s like a switch has been flipped, and everything has gone nuts inside of me.

So tomorrow I’m going to go to Kaiser, and see some doctor I’ve never heard of. I’m using my parent’s insurance because I don’t know if I can trust UC medical with this – I don’t want anything to go on my school records or transcripts. Anyway, I told Kaiser on the phone that I wanted some MRI or other big scanner action right away, and they said that if they think I need a referral to the Neurology department, it may take a while. I don’t know if they’ll even believe me – how can you convince someone about what you don’t know, if it’s nothing that they would ever know about?

Plus – if I ever mention to any doctor that I think I was a time traveling super hero, but someone erased my memories of my adventures, they’d be sure to lock me up right away. I hear they can do that for at least 72 hours, for practically no reason. That’s the last thing I want to happen, especially because I would never hear the end of it from my parents. They already think I’m irresponsible, but crazy too? I couldn’t handle that.

The other thing that I noticed in this blog is that I had so many doubts about what was supposedly happening to me, as it happened. If someone actually faked this blog, and pretended to be me, then why would they even do that? Would it make it more convincing to make me seem so unsure about the reality I was experiencing?

How could they fake all of that video of me?

And for what? I totally can’t stop crying, since I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t want to believe that I’m crazy or that I’m breaking down. Maybe I just have a brain tumor from sleeping with my cell phone under the pillow. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and everything will be back.

The problem is, what will be back? If I do get my memory back, would it be better that everything in this blog was true, or that what’s real is something altogether different?

And why is my hair so long? I can’t remember ever seeing it this long.

I don’t know right now if it even matters. All I know is that the name on my driver’s license is not Emily, and I have no fucking idea what Hikari or an Elixir of Materia is. If that doesn’t bother you, then you can come back another day and read about what happens next.

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Discussion

6 thoughts on “Instant Deja Vu Nostalgia

  1. Maybe I can help with the last questions. Look over this post more closely…
    “Hikari – She’s “Light”, the part of the spectrum that we can see, the rainbow of colors, and their blending into white light.”
    “The Elixir of Materia not only let Hikari exist in human form, but it also tied her spiritually to the first person she came in contact with, Hinata. That tie was not necessarily love, but she nevertheless grew to love him through their adventures.”

    Posted by PuroMos | May 28, 2011, 11:41 pm
    • Who are you? Am I supposed to know you? I think I saw you signed up at DieDatabase.com… can you confirm any of the things there?

      Posted by hikarifan | May 29, 2011, 12:59 pm
    • What I mean is, have you ever met any of those people? I can’t remember any of them, but apparently they’re my friends…

      Posted by hikarifan | May 29, 2011, 1:05 pm
      • You didn’t know me and I don’t know any of your friends. I’m just a random fan exploring the Fan Cloud. Like you I had trouble believing those things until a while ago… too bad you had your memory wiped. The most interesting about this is that you mentioned you might be “etched.” According to Eurythmygirl you might be able to do some amazing things. Experiment… carefully.

        Posted by PuroMos | May 29, 2011, 4:00 pm
    • Thanks, I think. I’m telling you, there’s nothing on my skin that I can see. Maybe if I had some magic glasses I could see the secret tattoos… yeah, right.

      Posted by hikarifan | May 30, 2011, 9:14 pm
      • I think the “eyephones” or projector that you used to see the Die Database concert might help (you have them on in one of your earlyer posts). They might be the same type of glasses that are mentioned at the Antizine site. I wonder if you can still get a hold of those somewhere.

        You could also try and get a black light. Those marks sound similar to the uv invisible tattoos that have come out. That might be too simple though lol…

        Posted by PuroMos | May 31, 2011, 12:49 am

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